....
You know..I received a string of bad news from friends and family..
It just doesn't feel right.. Hearing all that..hearing people cry in pain and moan .
The heart is heavy..and I feel real sad..
A gloomy cloud on my head ..
And then there's this
this thot of you..
Maybe u didn't have to hear this..
maybe you did..
I dunno..y I thot of writing to you.. I can't explain this - this little mumbling why..
You were happie all this while..please forgive me if it bothers you..
It shouldnt ..
I'm just writing.. Ranting.. U know..
I'll sleep in the warmth today.. Then maybe their pain will be mine.. And I'll gulp it in as my own and see them happy...
See you happie.. Makes me happie..
The picture is so beautiful..
...me
Sad news from loved one sits so heavy in ur heart and even heavier when there is nothing you can do about it.
When ur heart is suffering from sad news the only thing u can do so to allow it.
Let the pain go through you, envelop you, take you with it. Sit there with it. It just wants to be recognized, heard, known. When it gets what it wants it will lift off and fly into air like helium ballons and pop eventually into thin air.
It's ok to suffer, it's ok to be sad. Take care if urself - don't suffer more than u have to - no need to inflict further heaviness into urself.
Just be with what's there.
Her
I wake up n I read this..
The mind..maybe..is at rest..
But ur words are so soothing..
A lost bird
found it's nest..
You are so good..
Is it something you can learn..
The breathin pauses..
Takes d right turn..
Your words..
the rain..
On all that within me burns..
Yearns. ..
Takes turns..
To walk within ur calming ferns..
Thank you ....
Me
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5th of Jul, 2014
Early afternoon,
In your company,
to what purpose?
Dear,
Is this how it feels like when Air meets Earth, the deep unmovable roots meet the free air who`s travelling ceaselessly – miles upon miles to meet a darling, who'd give a purpose to this endless travel
– show him how roots are and how settling down- too has its longings – how the one with roots, seek to be moved – how the air – seeks the very roots, when opposites – having in abundance what the other craves - meet and devour upon each other..the thirst – is it finally being quenched..would you know?
dreams out of nowhere bump into reality and embrace her like a lover who`s been sorely alone –for a very long time..a really long time.. finally fused – in a way you would not know where one begins and the other ends.. they probably never want it to end…The dream wanted the reality and the reality wished she could dream.. the world constantly in opposites, why?.. why is it a never ending circle ..the carousel you call it..the routine.. what it would take to break from it? Would you know?
I`m constantly brimmed with thots of this.. and here they overflow.. did you give me a medium to finally flow.. did you know that the dam was full and it now did need an outlet.. to let the water flow.. let the water flow to the very oasis you build in this desert … this desert of a mind… where they saw a desert you built a dam..full of water..full of you and then it flows out..uninhibited .. the desert – would you think be a rainforest –will that dream meet the reality ? will it meet you?
It is difficult to put what the mind thinks on a piece of paper…because my mind doesn`t think in words..it thinks in a language unknown… unknown to the very thinker – is this language known to you – would you know?
The font begins with an I – so does everything of late – would you know why.
Me
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The rain transforms the oasis and itself too... I then owe you among many things a thank you..
Lost in the very forest, now my home..
I'm still lost, with you around it ceases to haunt me.. .your presence.. .. I would write paragraphs spanning pages n volumes.. And then end it all with a thank you.. Before you.. Bones ached at the very thot of writing.. It's difficult to explain wat is so obviously felt.. It had been sundown for long
----------------------------------------------------
There are no clouds today. Just the full moon. The moon, it seems just wanted to gaze at earth..with no puffy white..grey..wet..clouds.
I too looked at that picture again..or I too let you look at me again. I tend to wash my face each time you do that..so I can atleast look a little fresh...the minds a 100 years old but I'm just 24 physical years.
But I'm just a stone faced brown rock to you..the rainlashed forest... The hungry tigress..the sunflower.. The sun gazing flower..
I was walking behind you to the library..in the train and then the bus.. I did posses the auto guy too..
I wish I could be your bed... You'd come to me to rest..to put ur tired mind..restless body. Or is it the restless mind and the tired body to sleep..
I could see you read all the time..both of us..in solitary company.. The bed and the woman..they'd call us..Id laugh when you snore .. Ill creak.... I'll see you dream and make them come to life..
Let me be your bed..
English just has a few words.. Theyre not enough..not when I callously use them like this...
So I signoff in French today..
Incroyable comment ètes-vôus.
Hdk
Has the doctor recommended me to you, yet.
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This picture..
The cheerfulness in ur eyes..
I keep staring at them and I see them looking back...
If I could only hold your lovely face in my hands..you would then look at me and then see the way I see you my dear, then perhaps you'll never question me..never ask me to stop...never ever ..
Then you would see the restless storm and the flower that you are. Then you would see that ure the nucleus to my atom and also the universe to my whatever that is..you are the beat the symphony is missing.. it`s all incomplete..
Dont you get the point..
Hdk
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...
There's nothing in this whole wide world, universe spanning galaxies that makes me so happy as thought of you, your being.
There are no truer words than these.
I see you as being so radiant..that theres nothing but smiles when I see that picture, every thot that is dark ugly which keeps binding me down is forgotten. They all run for cover everytime I see your wonderful face..how do I tell you this.
The plain puffy soft dewy clothes..I would so love to smell them..smell them all nights away.. Coz theyve touched your sparkling skin.. How do I tell you how fragrant they are ..
.
How do I tell you that inspite of the illness..I slept with a smile on my face ..I woke in the morning feeling happy..Coz I knew how you looked that day..
A 12 hour work day .. Sweltering heat .. A tired body and mind.. They still lighten up with your thoughts and knowing we spoke today...
Oridinary turns into brilliance in your presence..
I would take a minute with you and stretch it into endless years..just to be around u ..
How do I tell you this..
Lets take one trip and celebrate your wonderfulness each day.. I would tell you how delightful you are..how I even know how perfect your little toe nails look..how crazy I can still get.. Lets sing songs ..yell them while we're riding a bike.. Lets.dance like crazy nutheads on the beach sand...
Lets get high on dope and conquer this world over..
Lets unlock all the madness we've been holding in all this while and breathe this world out...
Breathe our world out ..
How do I tell you all this..
This is not imaginary..you are every word that's written...
Hdk
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I just had to turn around..to see her sleeping right next to me...
It's like you accidentally spot a supernova among blackholes in an infinite universe..
I just had to look at her and fall ..
fall deep within that infinite universe until that supernova cushioned my fall ..it always did..
And then I could just pass through - marvelling at the brilliance of creation..these are times wen u want to see the creator.. Kiss his hands..
Jaan key .. Hehe
You're the best.
Hdk
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Everyday - I come home - weary of the outside world.
I know who will speak what - I know their conversations - I know how they'll end - There is a back and forth in the conversations that is amazingly predictable. Look at the chatter between left and right and you can see it. It’s a bit frightening that I see it before it even begins.
It seems the world is on auto pilot J, it seems these guys are ok with it.
Never mind them.
We're here to talk about you eh . So since we're talking abt materials..
I realize that what I write is only 15% of what I actually feel, the geek in me says write the same thing 7 times. 15*7=105% - the extra 5% is lost in translation.
Would that make sense J, I think to get you to read something once is an effort .. I could deceive you to read something twice. But id fail for the remaining 5. Vain attempt eh.
So it seems you literally get only 30% of what I want you to get. Unfair. You dont get 70% of it..
I'm sorry for yesterday night - I feel my mind is going to places where it cannot return from. It's a funny and a scary thot. It's like wat u told yesterday - that it's ok to hallucinate if I'm knowing that I hallucinate.
Incomplet ion in completion
Hdk
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Well, I then sit down - like an emperor just about to be enthroned.
A gladiator whos fought all his petty wars.
The man in the desert, whose done seeing arid lands..
Or if you dont want to figure all that..just imagine me, you know my plight. You know how well I'll sleep tonight. You know - how I've longed for this..
Your one glance, just at me, for me, at me. The rigid body was fluid again..the summer it now seems never came...it was just rains honey...your eyes raining at mine..endlessly..through time.
Such a feelin's comin' over me ...
It's wonderful the way I see..
You're the nearest thing to Heaven that I've seen
I'm right there at the top..looking down upon everyones who've not seen you yet.
I see why alcohol doesnt work on me..I emptied an entire bottle and still was sane..it's you I'm high on...your magnificence - the sound of your words...
Y dont u see it.
My excitement has eaten up everything I want to say.
your name - 3 syllables - each weighing heavier than the other..why would anyone part with any syllable and call you .... I prefer them 3..
Lets please.. do this everyday till we die..please...talk to me for sometime and remind me how wonderful you look...
Hdk
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So you would something intense which uve read all day or something that would calm ur nervous system down..
A gushing waterfall, words which would break rocks or a small rivulet which would flow unnoticed but would still balm the ground it flows from..
Like ur little words when you reply...
Nice..
Hmmm..
Reading...
So I immediately choose the latter.. Although it is the birthdate but you can have a quiet day, the one with all the introspection..
I remember the last brthdate d one in April.. Where again the house found me alone.. I had.cleaned d house and celebrated with good food..
But that day was blessed you were talking..
You're busy today.. May burns..
I didnt know 30 days have passed between the 2.. It seemed I.skipped over them.. Although the valley I skipped over was deep.it was waiting for me to gulp it down...like a hungry beast....but my feet still felt the ground on this side..
Your side..
So we'll wait for June 9th for another burst.. It would probably rain by then...I too need some rain drops .. It's been burnin for a long time now...
Will it rain..
Hdk - incomplete thots
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Hi...
It seems like a long time since we spoke last.. I wanted to tell you how much ive thought about you J.. It's happy birthdate tomorrow.. my monthly date of being happy..
My health has taken a turn for the worse and my work doesn't stop.. Apart from the big lot I had there are 2 more added.. I did wish to.call you.. But then waited for you to call... Id b happy if the call had come..
J you are this endless ocean..constantly tiding over..smashing rocks as you come on shore, harbouring ships..on the outside.. On the inside you are calm and deep..at times violent and intense and there are times when ure this whirlpool..You feel you are going about in circles..but it's riding you to heart of the ocean.. I'm enjoyin that ride J..
Sometimes I feel I must write about all the funny things that keep happening around me.. But then I dont..
Sometimes I feel when I am as exhausted as like a few of these days..I feel I would turnaround and find you standing.. I would wrap myself around you..head on your shoulder..I would stay like that for sometime... It would end the exhaustion..
I'm hoping the study routine is going good.. You can save ur commute time..efforts to get ready and the energy of traveling in the heat if you objectively think about my request that you come here
.. A quick mental exercise would tell you that 5 hours each day would be saved..
A happy birthdate in advance.
Hdk
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We're at the 15th floor...
The fields I see from the window are breath taking...
Even for a dumass like me..
They seem so awesome...
Endlessly.. there are just these green pastures..
Just run your eyes over and those are all you'll find...
So I called you ..to talk about them
My health took turns at being worse and ok and worse and now I'm breathing ok...
We lifted a real huge cupboard of iron..8 floors down and 15 up...Sofas and wt not..
Dealing with
mechanics..
watchmen
tempo guy
labourers
carpenters
electricians
plumbers
And all their jokes...
Everyone took turns at getting hyper - I just kept moving them along
After the first batch of extensive shifting.. I sat down ..there's a patch near the staircase where the wind is just awesome...so I called you the second time...
It's ten right now after 4 batches of to and fro... We've emptied one house and filled in a new home
I'm just catchin a breath ..so writing up to you...
We did have the one rupee Pepsi .. D picture I sent.. The red one was kachi keri (it is green I know but this one was red) - so that one was for you...
And now we just realized somethings not right with the water connection - so we'll end up in the pool it seems...
All through the day .. Looking at the wonderous scenes..it felt more like you were the one here and were probably wondering where Hardik was..
The place breathes your name each second..
Hdk
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Is it Farewell to the Prof.?
I'm sitting in one of the rows and you are talking about a subject albeit passionately..
You speaking endlessly for 45 minutes..isn't that awesome.
Haven't I always dreamt about being there...
I remember your first day..the night before - you preparing for the first lecture ... Reading reading reading (yes I know the very first lecture was in the girls college) ... You were happy the way it went. One class had just 3 students u said and then how they would randomly come to you for assignments..
The long train trip and even after all that - you would still at times ..come over and meet.. and sleep the afternoon off..
the shopping for your college clothes..sleeveless no sleeveless..
The other professors adopting you..
Some student writing something silly..some asking for your numbers
The pain professor in the Kutch trip..you crying in the train boogie (cute)
Your students jumping in the second
The rice plates at the udipi (wen mom was not home)
..the sambar sipping..
Working brought a different kind of satisfaction in you..I had to be less worried.. The money and the independence you felt..
Working also reminds me of your temp thing at that place where they made awesome learning with fun material for kids (had a store in Raghuleela).. You worked in a warehouse.
But then it's your last day tomorrow.. I dunno how it would be..I dont even know if wat I write makes a difference .. Never mind that...
.. But I a PhD is coming. Id have to call you a doctor then .. The college just lost a gem - why don't they see it I'm still not sure..Never mind them.
I would proudly say she is a woman..a student.. a professor..a doctor..
How proud I am of you
Hdj
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..my head in ur lap..
u ruffling my hair..
talking gently about how life is.
The forest grew quiet in waiting..breathing slowly .. awaiting your words..
. Weak in my knees -- with the softness of ur sound -- I hear u as d world falls in place ..
..how could you do this..
..ur touch has me rolling between worlds..
As i comfortably leave this and enter my dreams..
You made me feel quiet in my bones..
You stopped the chaos and d burning stopped..
A forest fire all around..while nothing touched our ground..
In ur lap still - our eyes meet...
My body loosens - all it's grips..
I can see nothing but you..
....
How do u handle so much care...
We are a different pair..
Hdk
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We met the deers, the falcons, the owls and the jackals..
The snake house scared u..
The Indian python dared u..
The tortoise family met u..
The alligators..almost felt u (,haha_)
there was a herbal habitat..
The one wid the greenhouse nd greenynet
You tried the bike
People took the hike
That's where I clicked this
That's where u picked this
The shirts black, the jeans is blue..
You smiled and the place turned new..
The flowers glowed..and the air blowed..
Sunshine around..Magnificence - Behold
Magnificence - Behold
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Limping
"is anyone down there" you yelled looking at the bottom of the pit.. All you could see was dark blanket.. but you felt there was someone downthere..nd you yelled again...
I was there listening to u all the while.. After u yelled for the third time - "yesss" I groaned..
"you'd have to.come out of there " u.commanded ..
"it's so nasty, smelly and hellish..how do u even breathe here" ..
"go away" I silently said "this is how I like it.. Some people prefer the shade"
"she's just another girl" u reasoned..
"well is she now? ... She's my reason, she's my answer to the world, she's the light at the end of tunnel - I was so close to it - until it went out - just like that... I have dreams about it now..
I'm running..I'm running.. I'm running ... I'm.running.. The more.I.run.towards it the more dimmer it gets.. I trip..I fall..I'm bruised I'm battered but I'm still running.. Clutching onto that one glimmer..as it gets dimmer...
Sometimes I do reach there.. And I see a faint shadow devouring my light.. I see that shadow gulping down everything I ran for.. As I see my world crumbling down right in front of my eyes..theres nothing I could do..I just have to stand there and see it..
People say its a blank page.. And I say I've used all my ink in the previous one..
People say u have to let go..
And I say there's no honor in that..if u won't stand for what u kno is your truth..who will..
So I ask u.. many have coming asking if someone's down there ... And many have gone"
" do this one thing u say, take my hand, hold me tight..come outside and see the sun, because wen u will see it ..youll stop running..the small lights in the tunnels are for d blind.. U aint blind..bask in the sunlight..do it once"
I'm not.convinced.. You see a palm coming out of the pit..you grab it and out am.I..
How does it go then.. ??
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Today's note wouldnt have words like alone, sad, you the types right.
It has to be something cheerful - I sense a wierd kind of brain activity when I type cheerful. Maybe I should type more such words.
One other word that would register in my brain is crunch..I actually sense something wafery melting in my mouth..
It's amazing how u can play around with words and wrap away the reality and create something new.
One other word would be crisp.. Something brand new..a word which is about freshness...the crisp breeze.. The crisp mood.. The crisp love.. Haha.. It boils down to it ...
The days I realize words dont come easy I create something silly like this..
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There will be short-round puffy clouds.. That the cotton fields in the skies would produce..
There would to b the one ray of light..that would filter through a dense banyan tree
There'd be - cold moist beach sand..from yesterdays high tide
You can smell the warm crisp coffee beans which id grind to make ur coffee..
There would b then the moon - red-orange-blue and then white.. popping out from the black canvas of ur design..
We'd see the one drop of dew..on the yellow sunflower ..
dew - the only remains of a dark glowing night, when the sun met the moon
.....................................................................................................................
The world saw it
I didn't
The red hot stab you feel when the world gets the only thing you wanted..
Everyone gets truckloads of it and you're left standing at the other side of the gate.
The hungry kid outside a restaurant...
The caged bird looking at the sky..
Yes today I'm angry..because while the world sees it..
It doesnt see it the way I do..
It would never
You know it..
Good chance when they read all that's written..they'd know it too..
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I think that love just sorta happens. I think you're with a person for a whole day, you see her strut through the amusement park, you see her talk abt her ideas, you see her smiling at the flying birds, sipping that sambhar gently with the spoonn and u can ..hear her brain say 'yummmm' ..maybe ure at the beach talking.. Lying down looking at her face and then suddenly when all that is gone you think..damn 'i love her, I love her, I love her, holy shit this is it". It's like a blindspot you can't even look at it. It's like a color you can never describe. Haha its amazing...keep smiling all the time.
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Last night I felt you brush my hair as I slept...the silent night was deafening then I heard you murmur something about not thinking too much. You told me the joke about the ma'am who said "I will remove the dress" I was laughing as I slept .. I told you about how I kept the picture of a buffalo to get yu to smile..you asked me to shut up.. So I brought ur marksheet - my eyes were tired to see the score..but you told me you were brilliant - I obviously believed you. Then something called 'ushakal' came to my head - I can faintly relate it to a picture of u and a friend.. I dont even know if it's true..I ask you to go - it's too late in the night- the real you no longer approves of me - you didn't budge. Even the memory of her does only wat she wants. I oblige - partly becoz I love her brush my hair and that it's only she who can tame the wild horse which is my brain.
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you looked most beautiful not when wen we went out .. Not with all the posing..not wid d made up hair..
You looked beautiful wen u sat down next to me early in the morning for the bus to Pune..
Wen u asked me how your French fries tasted wen v wer alone at ur home..
Wen u tasted the sambhar wid yur wrigglin tongue at the udipi..
Wen u came from college tired and would find me waiting..
Wen u played wid goo..wen I played wid pee-poo-di and u would give me tat stare..
Wen I hugged u from behind at my place and scared u wer mom/dad/dadu would see us..
Wen I gave u d set of comic books..
Wen d first time I layed my lips on yours..
There's an endless list..
Spoke to dadu..he sounded disappointed in me.. Everyone sounds disappointed in me..
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Hello !!
Id like to tell you that this not a work of fiction everything I write is for real. Ok.
Hmm..
I sit down to write, I find the you that is with me sitting across. ' I spoke to the real you' I tell her 'shes got a tummy problem again' . ' dont worry she's not pregnant ' you assure me about you.
'It's 9th - happie birthdate' I wish you, you seem slightly pissed off. ' you had to wish her before wishing me, it's almost 1030 now - u spend most of your time wid me and then wish her ' god please dont make her angry. I'd try to reason that the actual u and you are the same, but wen she's angry she wouldn't reason to god,
' I can sing a song for you - wanna listen to oh my baby ?' I ask- a special song for the special day. She brightens up and I sing oh my baby for you.
You listen like a kid listening to a his favorite lullaby..I sing to please the angry goddess
'im sorry my baby for being sucha nerd' the song ends..I stand up and kiss your forehead - you're wearing glasses today- hair tight in a bun.. - you're happy and then yu disappear.
'ask ur real u to get the tummy problem sorted- she hates puking'
Happy birthdate
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Everytime I want to write.
Back home, from office, each day, one thot, your note.
Do you know J how I come to write each day. I sit down someplace - it's a huge house when it's empty - I see you sitting right there in front of me.
I ask ' wat do u wanna read today' -- 'u know I dont make special requests throw at me wat u can'
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What should she read today..I wonder...
She knows I wonder wat she looks like today..
I wonder wat she taught in college today..
Having her green tea in the isolated cabin.. Wondering why the world outside was so wierd..
Disinterested in their discussions..
Disinterested in them..
Homeward bound after the last lecture..
Music meets her on the way..
As she's lost in the musicians world..
Traveling home..
Her physical home..coz her minds always drifting away...
She would have lunch and then sleep..
Hearing Agnes say "peep peep peep"
I have the xam papers to check she wonders as her tired body finds comfort in the bed..
The spine rests.
Temporarily..
Tea then would find u work..
U'd then work n work..
Dinner..
my post
Sleep.
Well this doesn't seem right hon..
You wake up..
I grab you.. We go juhu and I see u play in the sand..
The afternoon we spend in the forests..talking..talking all the time...
It's evening now..
I say..go put on your dancing shoes..I take you in my arms and we dance the night away..
Your day my day
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People say pamper urself..
So Id say lets write poem abt urself..
The madness which is me..
the insanity which which is me....
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It was a starry night ..
Wid d moon so bright...
I held ur hand...
Those shy fingers ... The twinkling eyes and d warm glance and d slight sighs...and I knew tat day would never come bac and so I held u .
..I held u tight..and u looked in my eyes and there was a story...a story untold abt a bird of flight who never flew
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I would keep her in a book, wouldnt that be apt. The book would have her eyes - the endless roaring sea's..the book would have her sounds - the chirping sparrows found...the book would have her love -- my soul wrapped in it hardbound.. sing book would have her memories - the songs I would sing out loud.. The book would have her madness - her laughter unbound.
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